okay long time since I wrote. Well everything is going fine i guess u can say that. I don't know anymore. I use to think that everything use to be okay and I was fine with how everything was going. well not anymore I guess. I have been doing a lot of thinking. That's all I seem to be doing lately is thinking. What do i feel about sam? What do I want to be with him agian? Do I really need him in my life? Could I turst him agian? I don't know at all. Yes I know that I miss him but I don't know how much and why I really do. Yea I can say cuz he was always with me and that he was my boyfriend. But I think that I miss the best freinds part.
Yesterday as I was talking to Gracie at the park before we broke into the pool we were talking about a boy that we would like to date. The only thing that came to my mind was my best freind. I want a boyfriend that is my best friend. Someone that I can talk to and hangout with and have fun. But then someone that i can cuddle with and kiss and hold. Thats what I want it's just hard to find that person. I thought that sam was it but I guess not. But there is always that possiblilty that he still could be that guy for me. Only time and tell. That's what my mom says. I guess it will. But it sucks when you want that to happen right now.
Sam and I are just friends right now and we have fun when we hang out so I guess we will see what happens. I think that deep down I think that we are only ever going to be is friends. And I can live with that.
The other thing that has got me thinking a lot also is my future and my family. College even though I hate talking about it I worry about it cuz I guess u can say that is my ticket out of this lifestyle and into another. It's my ticket to the future. That 's one way of thinking about it I guess. I know that I do want to go to college but I don't know if I'm cut out for it. I just want to have fun and hangout with my friends but that isn't what college is about is it? No I know that you can have fun in college but it's just different. I'm so lost. I don't know how to handle anything anymore. My mom is starting to come down on me more lately and I know that she has a right to, come on for goodness sake she is my mother. But I wish she didn't sometimes. I just get sick of hearing the samethings that run through my head everyday but to be asked them with out telling anybody about them its really hard to answer them out loud. I love my mom but I don't want her to know everthing about what I want to do in life. I just want her to know that I will make anyway that I can and I will work for what I want, once I figure out what I want though. well the bell rang I will talk later.

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